Monday, February 27, 2006

Starless Sky and Moonless Night Part II/Dark Night of the Soul

When the conversation I mentioned in my last entry took place, I thought, wow! that would be a great subject for a poem. I resolved to make it so and to write a wonderfully painful poem about the subject. When I sat down to do so, however, it didn't really come out quite right. So I decided to just wait and try in a little while to complete the task I'd set for myself. The inherent difficulties in writing poetry had other plans. I was stumped after the first three lines. For the last couple of days this idea of the poem has been nagging me and has been waiting to be written. But I had nothing fresh in my mind to draw on. The tiniest of events that happened over the weekend--the memories of things that had once plagued me resurfacing as I walked Puddle Jump trail at eleven o'clock, the uncomfortable awkwardness of less then welcome advances, etc.--gave me what I needed. I sat down today and it all flowed out onto the paper like urine that has been held too long but not as fragrant and not as damp. Here it is.

"Dark Night of the Soul"

Teardrops fall on a still and silent lake
Spreading the ripples out further 'till
The whole lake feels the effects.
Memories of an old pain once thought
Dead arise again in the shadow that
Follows every step; a dark mirror
Image reflecting the anger, the
Anguish held in the rounded
Shoulders, the head bent down,
The eyes averted, the feet blindly
Following one another to a place
The rest of the body does
Not wish to go.
The sky is dark, the pleasures of
Night witheld--no stars, no moon
To pierce the cloak draped
Over the world.
To move is agony.
To remain still unbearable.
Each faltering step in danger of
Being the last.
Each trembling breath a cry for
Mercy.
Let it end.
Let dawn rise. Let the early light
Of morning dispel terror and pain.
My heart has fallen. My soul not
Far behind.
I have failed.
I will not see the day.


So there it is. Oddly enough, this incredibly depressing downer of a poem makes me extremely happy. I finally put down in words the feelings that are so hard to articulate that assault us from time to time.
Boom, baby!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Starless Sky and Moonless night

A friend tells me of a concept she learned in one of her classes called the "dark night of the soul." It is a fascinating and terrifying concept: a darkness so deep, so consuming as to not only fill your mind, but your heart and your soul as well. God is nowhere to be found. Every light is extinguished. No one sees your pain. No one cares. Or so it seems.
"I've never experienced it," she tells me. "But I'm afraid to because I know it will happen at least once to everybody." She should be scared. This dark night of the soul is the most painful experince imaginable. It welcomes death as a beautiful way to stop it all. It is so lonely as to shatter a heart of iron. It is cold beyond description.
Anger flourishes in the Night. A cold fury or a smoldering rage; it breeds like bacteria in your mind. God is your biggest enemy. His promises are mockery. Every accomplishment seems as nothing. Every accomplishment is nothing. Praise of God is laughable. A contest of wills is sparked. God is your competition.
Night never breaks. Never does the Night fail or fade slowly into the twilight of morning. Night never breaks. You always break. Always.
God is there in the Night. He waits for your heart. Not your haughty words or testing plans. He waits for your heart. Sometimes it is broken when he takes it in His hands. It isn't always back in one piece when He gives it back. But the scars are stronger than the original bits. They tell a story of survival through God.
Life goes on. God has removed you from the night and you can see once again. Beware: complacency can destroy as surely as a bullet.
Night falls again. This time you can't afford to be angry at God. Maybe you'll get through it faster and stronger this time.
See you when we reach the other side.